The Correction of Uchiha Sasuke
by Ponyboy '92
Summary: Itachi has a mission, one which is quite...special. And Kisame, who would rather jump off a cliff, has been roped into helping him. :ItaSasu
1. Prologue

**The Correction of Uchiha Sasuke**

Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was thirteen/fourteen/something, and a very impressionable young man. He wrote a fanfic, called _The Seduction of Uchiha Itachi_, and at the time, he thought it was the fucking shit.

It wasn't. He can't even read past chapter three, now that he's sixteen and much, _much_ more clearheaded. The boy could hardly even stand the story being _associated_ with him, after a while.

So one day, he just woke up, half-naked, and proclaimed "I am going to rewrite that piece of shit…with _style_!" and his friend (who for some not-homosexual reason was in the bed with him…he doesn't have a lot of furniture) punched him in the stomach and told him to go back to sleep.

He didn't. And now, he presents to you, _The Seduction of Uchiha Itachi_…rewritten, with _style_!

**I dedicate this story wholeheartedly to RuneMoon, who's mentioning of it gave me the sudden inspiration to do better. :D**

**Disclaimer: LOL NO.**

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**Prologue.**

"I fear that I may be a bit unnatural."

Hoshigake Kisame swallowed his tea, with difficulty. "Really now?" he replied carefully, eyes slowly looking everywhere but at the younger man.

Uchiha Itachi nodded. "I had a dream last night," he explained. "It was quite dark. And then, there was light. And I was surprised, because after three minutes of darkness, it really is odd to be blinded by light." Itachi sipped at his tea. The wind brushed against his circular hat, jingling a bell on the front. "I digress,"

"Uh huh." Kisame was somewhat scared at what Itachi's mind might produce in a dream. "So, uhm, what happened?"

"My brother was tied to the bed, naked. I was there, also naked."

And the only the thing that went through the larger man's head was '_Why did I ask? Why did I ask? Why the fuck did I ask?_'

"It was invigorating. And so, he looked at me, mouth opened and cried in ecstasy, 'Oh blood brother of mine, take me! Our parents are dead, so we can't get in trouble! Please do me!' and so I did."

"Did what?"

"Him, of course." Itachi's calm face was more than enough to make Kisame spit his tea out immediately.

"And you liked it." Only a sick bastard like Itachi would've loved banging his younger underage brother in a dream, Kisame believed.

"Is that unnatural?"

The correct answer would've been yes, but the safer answer was clearly no. Kisame made a choice bequeathed in him by the gods, and he looked at Itachi, straight in the red eyes, and shook his head in 'No'.

"Wonderful. So does this mean that you're willing to help me?"

_What_? "I'm sorry, what?" Kisame asked, black eyebrow cocked.

"Since I'm not unnatural, you should be more inclined to help me. After all, who would want to help an unnatural man? I know I would not."

"Right. Right, I understand completely." The shark-like Akatsuki member nodded his head in agreement with himself confidently.

Itachi didn't even look at him. "Except you don't understand, now do you?" he replied.

"No."

"Thank you. Now, I want your help in something that you probably wouldn't agree with, so promise you that you'll do it."

Kisame looked suspicious. "What do I get out of it?" he asked cautiously.

"Are we not friends?"

It was a disturbing concept, being friends with Uchiha Itachi, the notorious genocidal maniac famous for the Uchiha family massacre. Kisame tried to be nonchalant in his rejection of the friendship offer, or whatever it was.

"Well—" he began.

"And if we are not friends, then your help will prevent me from ripping out your eyeballs." Itachi interrupted calmly.

The blue-skinned man deflated. "No, no it's cool. We're, uh, we're _friends_."

"Good."

"So, what am I helping you with? Dishes? Taking out the trash? Something simple?"

"I'd like to seduce my younger brother—" _Damn it!_ "—But I cannot." _Yes!_ "As I, not in an act of narcissism, am much too attractive to reduce to such an act. So, we're going to convince him that heterosexuality is not the way that is right for him."

_And incest…is?_ Kisame thought, but daren't speak it out loud. He drank the remainder of his tea instead.

Itachi reached into his robe, pulling out his wallet. "Let us go," he stated. "We can discuss this matter along the journey." He placed the money for their tea on the table and stood up, arm hanging from the opening of his black robe decorated with red and white clouds. "I will not repeat myself."

Kisame rolled his eyes discreetly. "Of course," he answered sarcastically, standing up. "Let's get going then."

And so they did, walking out the tea stand with a confidence that was better suited for people who _weren't_ murdering mercenaries. The odd duo walked through the forest cutaway instead of the main road, as it felt like the Akatsuki was slowly becoming more popular. The thick silence between the two felt awkward, but moreover on Kisame's side.

"What am I helping you with?" the sharp-toothed man asked, the tension of the situation getting to him.

Itachi glanced at him. "I thought I told you," he said.

"No. You didn't."

"Oh. Well, as my brother simply does not know what he wants. This has happened several times in life, as he's such a confused little boy, and I'm a caring older brother to the point where I give him little pushes in the direction he wants. For instance, killing the entire family." He made an almost eye-rolling motion, if he were capable of even knowing the gesture. "I did it for him, but he doesn't understand. So, now I must help him understand that girls aren't what he's looking for. I am. He must have sex with me to be happy."

Kisame had never heard such undeniable _bullshit_ in his life. Ever. "Yeah," he replied slowly. "Right. So, we're seducing him?"

"No. I wouldn't seduce the most beautiful little brother in the world." A smirk twitched on Itachi's lips. "We're simply…correcting him."

**END CHAPTER**

* * *

So, the point is, I'm not really "rewriting" TSoUI, I'm…remixing it. A new plot, a new writing style, new characters, it might as well be its own damn story.

So it is.

I will make sure every chapter is great. I will NOT make the same mistake of my past.

No, I'm not gay because I sleep with men. What do you think I am?! D:


	2. Seeking Uchiha Sasuke

Thing is, this story is only ten chapters. (Nine and the prologue) It goes the same pace as TSoUI, but I'm trying to make it so much better than that _thing_ will ever be.

I'm burying my demons, using the most kick-ass shovel I can. My computer.

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**Chapter One: Seeking Uchiha Sasuke**

_What the fuck have I gotten myself into?_ Kisame thought idly as he nodded to Itachi's words. _Suicide probably isn't an option at this point. Damn it._

"And with the correcting of my little brother, we first need to know where he is. He left his village, you know."

"Just like his loving older brother then?" the larger man commented, grinning nervously.

"Exactly." Itachi paused, looking up at the pink and yellow sky. His red eyes followed a wayward cloud. "_Exactly_. I forget my dear brother's stalker-like tendencies when he's really motivated. And I believe he's truly motivated."

"So, you're saying that your brother is stalking you?" Kisame asked incredulously. Why would anyone _willingly_ want to stalk Itachi? "That's…really creepy." But he really wanted to say "fucked-up" and see if he could get away with it.

"I find it endearing. It's clear that he already has an unconscious lust for my presence, so now the work has been cut in half."

_I'm going to regret this question so much_. "What would you've done if he, you know, _didn't_ have an unconscious lust for your perversity…wait, I meant presence."

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "I would've forcibly had sex with him. Is there something wrong with my methods, Kisame?" he asked calmly, stopping in his tracks.

Kisame's throat felt heavier, all of a sudden. "I…er…I…have no problems with your…_methods_. They're, uh, really good."

"I agree. But, let us hope we can succeed." The twenty-year-old man replied. "After all, he's still a confused boy. And he's probably quite angry with me, even through the infatuation."

"Because you…did that thing?" Mentioning the mass murder of the Uchiha family around Itachi is something that Kisame would have to be a little more insane than said murderer to pull off.

"Missed his last seven to eight birthdays? Yes. I did. He gets irritated over the smallest things sometimes." Itachi huffed a small chuckle. "Now, we were last in that small village. Do you remember what it was called, Kisame?"

The blue-skinned man frowned. "What are you thinking?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm thinking that I may make a parabola back to the last village we had visited. I have a hunch that my younger brother may be there."

"But, Pein said—"

"Pein can wait." Itachi interrupted sternly, holding up a pale hand. "It's an assassination mission. It will not be going anywhere in the few days it shall take to correct my younger brother."

Only Itachi could brush off cold-blooded murder like a chore.

"So, we're going back to that village? And we're going to ignore the leader's specific orders of assassinating the leader of the Aoyagi house?"

The coal-haired man nodded. "Yes."

Clearly Itachi's logic overrode anything Kisame might've come up with. But the larger man was really quite attached to his eyes, so agreeing was merely a survival technique now.

"All right."

--

"No news of him being here, Sasuke." Hozuki Suigetsu called to Uchiha Sasuke, who stood stoically in the middle of the village's square, arms crossed in annoyance.

The black-haired fifteen-year-old nodded, face frowning. "And you, Juugo?"

A large, sandy-haired teenager shook his head. "I'm sorry Sasuke, but I haven't found anything either." Juugo replied, sighing.

"Your efforts are appreciated. Karin?"

"I found traces of chakra that _could_ belong to Uchiha Itachi." A red-haired girl stated, pushing her glasses higher upon the bridge of her nose. "I'm not too sure it's him, but it's better evidence than the ones from _those_ two." She smirked.

Suigetsu mimicked her silently, scowling as Sasuke glanced at him with a _look_. "She's being a bitch," he reasoned. "I must make sure she doesn't get too cocky, because then she'll be useless _and_ annoying. Oh, shit, too late."

"Suigetsu," Sasuke chided calmly. "Not now. We need to find that man, and then we can have a debate on Karin's disposition."

Karin stuck her tongue out at the white-haired Mist ninja, making him huff in annoyance. "All right, all right." Suigetsu replied, holding up his hands in surrender. "I'll try not to call Karin a total bitch. Even if she is one."

"No she's not…" Juugo said quietly.

"But I will continue calling Juugo here a fucking spaz, so shut up Fucking Spaz."

The leader of Team Snake almost rolled his eyes, but he must've forgotten how to do the gesture over the years. "Karin, take us to where you found the chakra signs," he commanded, face inevitably serious.

The redhead nodded, glasses reflecting in the evening setting sun. She led them to a rock somewhere on the edge of the village, and pointed at it.

"That rock has lingering chakra signs of someone who might be Uchiha Itachi," she explained. "They're dim, but there."

"Sounds like bullshit if you ask me." The Mist ninja muttered.

Karin pursed her lips in annoyance. "Great thing no one asked you then, isn't it?" she smiled. "But anyway, what do you think Sasuke?"

The youngest Uchiha mused over the rock silently, walking around it.

"There is something odd about this rock…" he commented. "Something…suspicious."

"Sasuke." Suigetsu said sternly. "It's a rock. What's it going to do? Explode?"

Juugo gasped, pushing Suigetsu and Karin out the way. "Get down!" he cried.

The rock exploded.

Sasuke blinked as a few chips of the debris hit him on the face. "…There was an explosion tag on the bottom, I'm guessing," he said calmly, brushing off his open-chest shirt.

"I'm sorry, I should've said something in the beginning," the sandy-haired teenager apologized, bowing.

"It's okay." The Uchiha breathed shakily. "It's okay."

"What kind of paranoid sick bastard of a brother do you have to stick explosion tags on fucking _rocks_?" Suigetsu demanded, brushing off his pale arms. "Geez, what a fucked family we must follow."

The leader of Team Snake turned to him, eyes narrowed to the point where they were almost slits. "My brother," he hissed. "Is beyond the normal measures of _any_ human being. My older brother is indeed a sick bastard, but I cannot tell you how much, because of how much he fucked up my life and my opinion would not be accurate as it would be mainly 'sick, sick, sick, fucked up, sick, crazy, sick, possible molester, sick' so please shut the hell up before I begin a tirade." He cleared his throat. "Thank you."

"…" Suigetsu, for the first time, was speechless. This by itself was a very uncommon occurrence, as when he opened his mouth, it took quite a few things to make him close it. Like, a punch to the stomach (despite how it would only go through) or a kick in the ass (see option one).

Karin readjusted her glasses. "So…" she began. "What do we do now?"

"We continue on to the next village. He might've not gotten far."

--

"My rock has exploded." Itachi commented as he walked through the night with his older partner.

Kisame blinked. "…Your rock has exploded," he deadpanned. "And why is this so?"

"My dearest brother has come across it. Now we will be _forced_ to cross paths." A smirk formed on the smaller man's pale lips. "I am doing much less than I initially imagined. You must be a fortunate charm of sorts, Kisame."

"Right." _And please let that be all I am. Do not include me in your fucked up schemes for male domination, I'm begging you!_

"And now," Itachi looked at the blue-skinned man. "We need to formulate some kind of technique to catch his attention without his brash personality causing a scuffle." He sighed. "He's quite adorable sometimes, but this is not the time for him to be using his fist on anything but my penis."

Kisame tripped over the air, and caught himself just in time. "Of course," he replied shakily. "Err, have you ever thought of…poetry?"

"Hmm…" the Uchiha mused. "I've never considered it. If I write a poem, will that raise my chances of having consensual sex with him?"

"Yes. It's a well-known fact that all little siblings love it when their older siblings try to get into their pants using romantic techniques." So what if he was lying through the ass? Kisame was clearly still alive.

Itachi stared forward. "I will try this. And perhaps, you may be willing to help me find a deliverer?"

"No problem." _Incest is serious business._

**END CHAPTER**

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OMFG WHY?

It's like; I wish I could blush because your reviews sure as hell make me want to.

And if you _really_ think TSoUI is a good story, then I'm sorry to disagree.

This story takes place in the Naruto Canonverse, of course, but before the…_things_ happened. (SPOILAR! (Itachi's death and Sasuke's new reformation and Naruto's crossing of the paths with Itachi. END SPOILAR!)

All right, that's all I wanted to say. Thanks for being such great team players.

(PARABOLA IS THE BEST WORD EVER. SERIOUSLY.)


	3. Serenading Uchiha Sasuke

Thanks for the reviews! You make me feel like an actual great writer. :D

And last night, I had this totally psychedelic dream. It was so trippy, I knew it was from Jesus. It was a dream full of KisaIta, and portrayed ItaSasu as a pairing null and void. Usually I listen and understand pairing dreams from Jesus, because they usually mean something amazing. But THIS time, I woke up and went straight to this story, because I refuse to give up ItaSasu. Take THAT, Jesus!

But, enough with the mush. Let's observe Itachi's fabulous poetry.

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**Chapter Two: Serenading Uchiha Sasuke**

"I am not well versed in the ways of writing poetry."

Kisame nodded in understanding. "I didn't think you were," he commented. "It doesn't seem like something within your abilities."

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "And what is that supposed to imply?" he asked slowly, clearly offended. "Are you under the impression that I'm some variation of a sociopath, Kisame? Do you believe that I'm so out of tune with society that I cannot even produce a single poem? Is that so?"

_Can…Can he see into my mind?!_ Kisame thought in an inward panic. Outwardly, though, he simply smiled shakily. "No," he replied. "I just thought that you didn't seem like the bard kind of guy." But that was only because the blue-skinned man believes his younger partner is, in fact, a total psycho.

"Ah." Itachi looked forward again. "Then, what kind of poetry do you believe would be effective in making my little brother submit to my wishes?"

The older Akatsuki member furrowed his black eyebrows, thin lips pressed in a line. "What kind of poetry were you considering?" he asked. A grin lit up his face. "Was it something like: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, submit little brother, and let me fuck you'?" He laughed at the mere absurdity of the improvised poem.

Itachi blinked. "That…is perfect." He mused. "I want that to be my doggerel to my dearest little brother."

_What?_ "What?" Kisame demanded, glassy eyes wide. "No! That's all wrong! You don't want to send him _that_…It's improper!" Did he truly have a right to speak on what was improper? He mused himself, but brushed off the thought.

"It is blunt, to the point, and rather romantic. Unless you can think of something better, Kisame, I shall use that one."

_I've got to think of something better!_ "H-haiku?" he offered. "That's totally attractive and an effective way of getting your point across. It's also fifty-percent foolproof!"

"Fifty…?" Itachi repeated slowly. "Why is this so?"

"Because shit happens," _That's why I'm stuck with a fucking psycho, helping him get laid with his brother._ "And nothing is certain. We'd be at least seventy-percent if we had a writer or something." Kisame flashed a sharp-toothed smile.

"That is a great philosophy." The Uchiha nodded, and he brushed his bangs away from his eyes. "We will need professional help, then."

"What are you _talking_ about?"

"Follow me." With a short burst of chakra, Itachi disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

Kisame had a horrible urge to bash his head into the tree nearest to him. With a curse to the deity that forced this situation upon him, he disappeared with a puff of smoke as well.

--

"_Thou art not of this world_," an elderly man spoke steadily, sitting in the middle of a large room. A cushion was laid underneath him, and his wrinkles hardly moved when he moved his lips. The other occupants of the room stared hard at him, hanging on to his every word. "_And of thou, thy desires are most inappropriate. Devious desires of man and man, woman and woman. There is no place for thou in this world, and nor is there in the world over this._"

He stopped, thick eyebrows raising. "What doth I pay thou for?" he asked slowly, eyes opening.

A man in the elder's audience blinked. "Master Torakami, what do you speak of?" he replied, confused. "…We don't get paid."

"Then why art we being attacked?" Torakami retorted, voice raspy.

"Master, we aren't _being_ attacked—"

A guard rushed in. "We're being attacked!" he cried. "S-Class criminals, they've invaded through the front!"

Torakami sighed. "Doth thou know how to fight?" he asked calmly.

The guard nodded. "Of course, but these are members of the notorious criminal organization, _Akatsuki_, master!" he tried to explain.

"If you cannot fight thou enemy, then thou enemy shall kill you." The elderly man interlaced his bony fingers. "That is the way of thy world. Now, let the enemy come."

"But, master—"

"I sha'n't repeat myself." Torakami frowned. "Let them enter."

With that, the door to the room slammed open, and the odd duo walked in as though it were just a simple grocery trip.

"Master Torakami," Itachi greeted, bowing his head slightly. "I apologize for the inconvenience of my entrance, but it was quite urgent. Kisame, it is proper to bow in the presence of a scholar such as Master Torakami."

Kisame, with a secret roll of the eyes, bowed. Then he wielded his sword high, causing the guards surrounding them to tense. "Listen, grandpa," he started roughly, really wanting to get the hell out of the building. "We need a poem, and we need it great."

Torakami cocked an eyebrow. "A _poem_?" he repeated. "And was it of impossible to simply enter and _ask_ of me? Requests are harder to take when against thy will."

"Which leads, once more, to my apology." The genocidal dark-haired man touched Kisame's arm. "We do not mean to offend you. I'd just like a romantic haiku that is appropriate and would win my brother's heart."

"Ah." The elderly scholar paused. "I apologize, but to win _whose_ heart?"

"My b—"

Kisame roughly jabbed his elbow into Itachi's shoulder. "His mother!" he answered for the younger man. "He's getting this poem for his father to his _mother_!"

Torakami looked suspicious. "Indeed." He nodded at the two and waved a student towards him. "Mikuro," he started. "May thou fetch me parchment and ink?"

"O-of course master!" the man stuttered, rushing off. He bumped into Kisame on his way, and whimpered loudly as the shark-like man snarled at him.

"I believe that you might've dislocated my shoulder," Itachi commented quietly.

"You almost fucked yourself over," Kisame whispered back furiously. "You don't _tell_ people your plans like that. Incest _isn't_ sexy to the rest of the world, and they will try to kill you for it."

"You act like there isn't a price on my head already."

"Okay, fine, they'll try to kill you more than usual."

Torakami coughed into his fist. "Doth thou have something to say to us all?" he asked the two. "Your secretive ways art not appreciated." Mikuro chose that moment to trot up, arms laden with parchment rolls and ink brushes.

"Is this all, master?" the man asked, excited.

The scholar nodded. "Thank you." He looked at the partners. "Now, you state that you want a poem, but thou should at least specify."

"Haiku." Itachi answered.

"Then I shall write thou tanka for thy romance." Torakami replied steadily, rolling the parchment out. "I feel that perhaps thy truly needs this chance at love."

"I've never truly experienced it in a way out of my family," the Uchiha admitted.

Kisame faltered. _You…you fail!_ he cried in his head. _You're still keeping it in the goddamn family, fool!_

"Ah…" The old man began stroking the brush against the parchment. "Then, how shall this be getting to your love?"

That…that was a _great_ question. The blue-skinned man never truly found anyone to take the damned poem to Sasuke, so the thought kind of slipped his mind.

Itachi raised his chin. "I was wondering if I may borrow a student of yours to do such for me, as my love does not understand how I feel and would most likely reject me violently unless they receive this poem."

"…Thou wants a student of mine?"

"Yes."

"Thou wants a student of mine to go on thy suicidal mission of romanticism?"

"Yes."

"And why shall I agree?"

Kisame smiled. "I will shank a bitch for looking at me wrong," he explained. He glared at a guard with wayward eyes. "What're you looking at?"

"Then I have no choice." Torakami huffed. "But...thou must promise that Mikuro will survive."

Mikuro yelped. "What?!" he cried.

"He shall be just fine. My br—lover," He nodded slightly at the larger man. "Is as docile as kitten. At least, that is the way it was years ago. I am going ahead to observe."

And with that, Itachi turned away, leaving Kisame to deal with everyone.

_Oh, Itachi,_ he thought with a scowl. _Don't you know that kittens have claws?_ "Hey, Mukuro,"

"I-it's Mikuro, s-sir…"

"Right, I don't care." The black-haired man leaned over to the smaller man, whispering. "You're going to take the poem to the Village of the Sun, and you're going to read it to a fifteen-year-old kid named Uchiha Sasuke. His outfit is _unmistakable_ to the point where I don't even need to describe it, and he'll be with three other people." He raised his voice back to its normal tone. "I'm going with Itachi, so yeah, we'll be there, in case someone tries to kill you. We can trust you, right?"

Mikuro nodded frantically, scared out of his wits. "Y-yes, sir!"

"Good." Kisame grinned. "We'll see ya there." He turned and walked away as well.

Torakami wheezed. "I shalt miss you, Mikuro," he commented.

The poor man almost cried.

--

"U-Uchiha Sasuke?" Mikuro stuttered, hands shaking. He finally found a young-looking man with a really peculiar outfit within three other people, and he hoped to his master that this was the right person.

Sasuke looked at the smaller man. "Yes?" he replied, annoyed. "What would you like from me?"

Suigetsu narrowed his eyes. "He looks pretty damn suspicious," he grumbled.

"Shut your gay mouth." Karin stated. "Let _Sasuke_ choose what he wants."

Juugo sighed. "Sasuke already chose, but you two insist on speaking—"

"Shut up!" the other two members of the impromptu team hissed.

Mikuro coughed into his fist, unraveling the parchment. "I have a poem for you—"

"Oh _no_," the youngest Uchiha groaned.

"—from an '_Itachi'_,"

"Oh yes?" This was unbelievable. A poem from Itachi? But then again, the man might be lying. Sasuke nodded at him to continue.

"It states," he breathed slowly. "_Growing so quickly,  
As my love still knows no bounds  
Such beauty lives  
But I must watch from afar  
For that is my love's extent._"

He rolled the parchment back up. "And that is my message."

Sasuke, who could've had a heart attack but no one would've noticed with the face he was pulling, stared at Mikuro.

Suigetsu elbowed him. "You have, like, five seconds to get the hell away."

The man took no time.

The roll of parchment fell on the ground and rolled to the black-haired boy's feet. He picked up the paper with a pale hand.

"Suigetsu," he grounded out as calmly as possible. "Please eat this." He held out the parchment.

The white-haired ninja blinked. "…Excuse me?"

"I need for you to eat this, _please_."

"_Why_?"

"Because when you eat it, the chances are that you will let it back out and it will truly be a piece of _shit_." Sasuke shuddered. "And your teeth are most able to handle it."

"Uhm…"

"_Please_."

Suigetsu took the paper, hiding it behind his back. "Okay…I'll eat it," he lied. He was going to keep that poem purely for the laughs it will give him.

"Thank you."

"No prob'."

--

Itachi blinked. "…That wasn't supposed to happen, was it Kisame?" he asked quietly from his spot in the thick trees as he watched his little brother.

_It actually was._ "No, but you've still got other options," the ex-Mist ninja assured.

"Really? Relay them for me, please."

"You can always…write a letter?"

**END CHAPTER**

* * *

Half of this chapter was written while I was half-asleep, so I am very sorry for any typos or inconsistencies or badness. Because I'm trying really hard on this fic.

I don't like writing OCs, but this chapter forced me to. The name Mikuro is some gay bastardization of Mukuro (as I love Katekyo Hitman Reborn! more than I love…a lot of things) and Torakami is because the first things that came to mind were Tora! Tora! Tora! and Kami from DBZ. I'm a right bastard.

I need to make Itachi a little creepier, I think.


	4. To Uchiha Sasuke

I love all of you. Like, love love. Like, I want to hug my computer when my mom isn't looking love. Like a Teletubbie or some shit like that.

Okay, there was like a totally gay block of paragraphing here that explained my life, but I pushed that all the way down to the ending author's notes, so it doesn't turn you off the chapter. Noone likes being turned-off, believe me I know.

Anyway, I've made up my mind. I'm going…to finish this story and every other unfinished Naruho story I have out there in the world. And. I will write them with _passion_.

Watch me. :D And, while watching me, check out this easy program to letter writing, in _style_! :D

**

* * *

Chapter Three: To Uchiha Sasuke**

"Who the hell was that?" Suigetsu asked, arms crossed.

Sasuke glanced at him, dark eyes narrowed. "I do not know," he admitted in a dark tone. "And I cannot say why he came to us with that…_degrading_ work of calligraphy."

The ex-Mist ninja shrugged, running his calloused fingers between strands of his light gray hair. "I thought the calligraphy was kickass," he replied, waving a hand in dismissal. "But, why care about the font? Shouldn't you, I don't know, try to find out if it's really by your psychotic brother or not? And if it is, try looking up ways to protect your ass?"

As the leader of their small group narrowed his eyes even further to mere slits, Juugo smacked a hand over the brash ninja's mouth, forgetting his own strength as Suigetsu was thrown to the ground ungracefully.

"S-sorry!" the ginger-haired teenager apologized, holding out a hand to help the grounded shinobi. "It's just, uh, you know how he gets about his brother!"

Suigetsu smacked his hand away, choosing instead to shakily stand back up himself. "Heh," he snickered, wiping the dirt from his chin. "At least we know how his brother gets about him."

Karin, who wore glasses moreover as a fashion statement than a real need of them, had to remove her spectacles from the bridge of her nose, as in less than a second, Sasuke had his hand clenched tightly around the taller ninja's throat, slamming him into the wall of the building they loitered by. Several onlookers gasped in shock, while the redhead had to swallow back a whoop of joy.

It wasn't like Suigetsu didn't have it coming.

"Don't even…_kid_…about that," the dark-eyed shinobi hissed, grip tightening.

The white-haired teenager rolled his eyes, liquefying his body through Sasuke's hold on his neck.

The Uchiha grimaced and flit his hand through the air a few times, trying to dry the appendage. "Don't think that I might be kidding," he said, looking over to the forest area. "As impossible as you might think it to be, I _will_ kill you."

Suigetsu yawned, waving off the leader of their mismatched group. "Okay."

"I'm glad we're on the same point now." Sasuke brushed his bangs away from his face. "I've been meaning to get there for a long while."

"Intriguing." The former Mist ninja subtly patted the scroll in his pants. "Hey, so, like, your brother."

"What about him." It was a statement, one that should've been a question, but Sasuke honestly stopped _asking_ about his brother. It just didn't work that way.

"Um." Suigetsu scratched behind his head. "Aren't we going to, well, go _after_ him?"

"Dumbass," replied Karin instead, rolling her eyes while cleaning her lenses. "I think half of our _existence_ with Sasuke has included going after his brother."

Juugo nodded. "She has a point, you know that right?" he interjected as well, but Suigetsu didn't feel like listening to _Freak_ and _Freakier_, because they never really had anything good to say.

"Well, apparently since we're just idly standing around like idiots," the white-haired teenager said with a toothy smile. "I thought that, 'hey! Maybe we should actually _go after_ the guy, since he obviously was here at some recent time,' but since that's not the plan, then I'm going to get something to drink." Man, existing with bitches and spazzers was such hard work.

Sasuke hummed, tapping his finger against his bicep in thought. "Hmm," he hummed in thought, cocking an eyebrow. "You have a valid point, Suigetsu."

"Don't I always?" Suigetsu replied sweetly, crossing his arms. He cocked an eyebrow. "So, what's the plan, Sasuke?"

"We spend the night." Sasuke stated, nodding. "And, in the morning, we move out west."

"Go west?"

"Exactly. I'm getting the feeling that Itachi _wants_ me to follow him," the Uchiha narrowed his eyes, glowering towards the trees. "And I believe I can grant that little wish for him."

----

"Okay." Kisame coughed into his throat, looking over at Itachi. "Your brother is giving us these really dirty looks."

"Then," Itachi replied calmly. "We are going about this correct way. The angrier he is at me, then the more likely he is to succumb to my will."

_What the fuck kind of logic—_ "Really?" the ex-Mist ninja asked slowly, cocking a nonexistent eyebrow. "And. Um. How does _that_ work?"

The Sharingan-infused eyes of the younger man looked over at him, the deep red reminding Kisame of just _why_ he hated conversations and generally _existing_ with Uchiha Itachi.

"When one is angry," the younger man started in his usual monotonous voice that shook the blue-skinned man's psyche to the core. There was a reason he took almost everything Itachi said seriously. "It is the showing of a weak mind. Anger is not an emotion underestimated, for a person—in example my _brother_—has a higher chance of doing more…_unsuitable_ things when blinded by such a feeling." He waved dismissively towards the fading lights of the village. "That is a weak mind. And, as weak minds go—" at this part, he quirked a small, almost insignificant smile. "—my beautiful brother is a fantastic example."

"Mm hmm," Kisame hummed in complete understanding, crossing his arms. "So, how are you going to get him all riled up?"

"Didn't you suggest that I write him a letter?" Itachi asked, tipping his chin in an arrogant move. "If the poem irked him so much, I can barely imagine what a full-length note to him might do."

_Make him explode like your fucking rock? Make him kill himself and all of his friends? Make him _give up_ on unconsciously helping your plan to get him in the ASS?_ "I don't know," the blue-skinned man replied, huffing. "Maybe we should try it to find out."

"Exactly." The Uchiha lifted himself up, the wooden branch underneath his sandaled feet making not even a small rustle as he stood stiffly. "Let us go."

The wispy clouds of smoke brushed against Kisame's skin as he looked blankly at the spot where Itachi once occupied.

He stood up as well. "_Damn it_."

----

Kisame looked at the lengthy piece of parchment in his hands, and he blinked at the small cap of ink in front of Itachi's tea.

"So." He coughed lowly. "You're _serious_."

Itachi hooked his fingers around the entirety of the teacup. "Yes," he answered easily, bringing the cup to his lips. "Is there a problem?"

The blue-skinned man looked around the small booth they sat in, narrowing his eyes at the overly interested farmer across the bar-like table. "Isn't it a little…_public_ here," he replied quietly. "I mean, to be writing love letters to your little brother and stuff."

"Amusing. You act like they'll live."

This is true. Itachi wasn't some sort of _idiot_ who just shouted disturbing shit like this aloud in public and left everyone unscathed at the end. He was moreover the type to whisper disturbing shit like this in public and then kill everyone involved in the scene.

It was brutal, but it was effective, and that's what really mattered.

"Okay." Kisame placed the parchment on the polished surface. "So, what did you have in mind?"

"I was actually thinking that _you_ would write it." Itachi replied, looking over at him with heavy lidded eyes. "You must see, I'm not the most…_emotionally_ experienced for writing a heartfelt letter."

"Um." _I'm not either._ "Okay. So. What do you want me to do?"

The tea was placed down on the bar top. Ripples broke the surface, and Itachi's purple painted nails tapped the top in thought. "Well," he began softly. "You can start with _Dear_."

"Dear." This was going to be a bit of a problem. Kisame looked at the small calligraphy brush in his large hands and winced. He hadn't done calligraphy in _years_, and even when he did do it, he was pretty much no good. "_Dear_."

Itachi cocked a slow eyebrow. "…Are you not going to write it?" he asked.

"_Dear_." Kisame repeated, looking down at the parchment. After the word refused to show up despite his repetitive demand, he decided that a ninjutsu technique was necessary for this kind of work. "It isn't working."

"You did not even move your hand."

"I know." The Akatsuki member huffed. "I'm no good at writing." He shrugged.

Itachi looked almost offended. "And you didn't think to tell me this before. "

"No, because I didn't know you were going to make _me_ do this." Kisame sniffed, actually affronted. "Sometimes, it feels like _I'm_ trying to have crazy disturbing sex with your little brother, because I'm doing most of the crap—"

A pale hand—more specifically, _Itachi's_ pale hand—shot out and gripped the large man by his jaw. His nails dug into his skin, and Kisame was forced to look into Itachi's drowning red eyes.

_I'm going to die now_, Kisame suddenly thought, and he felt okay with that. He was _really okay_ with that. Especially since it meant he wouldn't be helping the Uchiha get sex with his younger brother anymore.

"Kisame," the dark-haired man murmured, narrowing his eyes. "There are _some things_ people just can't say—any subject relating to anyone but myself having sex with my brother is a part of that very," he tightened his grip. "_very_ long list. Are we on the same accord?"

"Yes." Kisame rasped, wishing that he could fucking _die faster_.

"That is very pleasing to hear." Itachi relinquished his hold on the older man, waving his hand in thought. "Now, answer me a question."

"Oh yeah, any question you want, I've got the answer." _Except for if you asked me why I didn't die, because I can't even answer that, and I WANT to know the answer._

"Who is going to write this?" the Uchiha asked, motioning towards the blank parchment.

"Um." Kisame rubbed his chin in thought. "How about, you?"

"Me?" a small smile stretched on Itachi's thin lips. "I believe you weren't listening—"

"No, no, I was listening to my fullest extent." The blue-skinned man tapped the surface of the bar. "You said you can't be _emotionally accurate_ or something, and since I apparently _can_…you can write it, and I'll tell you what to write." He is a _genius_ sometimes, he swears.

"Hmm…" Itachi hummed lowly, looking down. "This might work."

"It'll work. Has anything gone wrong yet?" Kisame paused. "Other than the poem plan. That was a disaster, I'll admit."

"Indeed." The calligraphy brush was dipped into the ink bottle slowly, and the younger ninja glanced at the large man. "What am I writing?" he asked.

"Well, we'll just start off with _Dear_," the S-class shinobi stated, grinning toothily.

He looked up. The overly interested farmer was being really, _really_ obvious about his eavesdropping.

The ex-Mist ninja smirked. There was always something useful about normal people.

----

Sasuke knew it would come soon.

But, not _this_ soon.

A farmer, one with the obvious scar from a kunai pressed to the soft skin of his neck, trotting up to the tree he sat quietly in.

"Uchiha Sasuke?" he asked in a raspy voice. "I-I was—"

Suigetsu snorted. "Save it." He waved up at his leader. Sasuke stretched out his legs and hopped down. "It's from Uchiha Itachi, right?"

The man's eyes widened. "_That_ was _Uchiha Itachi_?" he demanded, deeply disturbed. "The way he spoke of you—as he wrote the letter, that is—was _horrible_—" He held a parchment scroll close to his chest, his dark eyes wide.

"And," the fifteen-year-old shinobi replied dismissively. "I could care less." No, he could care more, but why let this commoner know?

"Oh." The farmer held out the scroll. "Well, it's for you. If you open it, though," he gulped loudly, a thin layer of sweat slowly beginning to form. "The larger man said it would explode."

What the hell was up with Itachi and explosions, lately? Sasuke nodded and broke the seal, unraveling the scroll slowly.

His face slowly drained of any further color as the words got to him, and he couldn't possibly understand what the hell was up with Itachi _period_.

"Suigetsu," he spoke once more, handing the parchment to the older teenager. "Do whatever you want with it. Just, don't let me see that _ever again_."

"Will do." The white-haired ninja replied with a sneaky grin, taking the letter out of his hands. "So, uh, I'll see you in a moment?"

But the Uchiha was already gone, with not even a footstep to remind the world of his existence.

Suigetsu grinned harder, straightening out the scroll. "_Dear Sasuke_," he read aloud, looking over at the farmer to gauge his reaction. "_I want you_." He paused, staring at the letter a little harder. "_I want you more than anything in this life of mine, and I rightly believe you want me as well. There is a heat that follows my every step when I ponder upon you, and—_" he blinked, gagging. "_—it creeps along my skin as I sleep. Perhaps you don't realize it now, but you will understand when we meet again, for then it will be a time for methods such as –_"

Okay. Suigetsu rolled the scroll back up. That was _really disturbing_. But he was still going to keep the letter, because it's also kind of hilarious.

"—rugh," the farmer was groaning, looking sick to his stomach. "That man was truly a horrible man."

"Maybe, maybe not," the ex-Mist ninja replied, waving a hand in dismissal. He eyed the farmer. "Hey. You know whether or not they're looking forward to you?"

"Um. No?"

"Good." Suigetsu wrapped an arm around the middle-aged man's shoulder, leaning in conspiringly. "You're gonna play gofer with Sasuke and his sick bastard of a brother."

**END CHAPTER**

* * *

So. Yeah.

But, anyway, I've got some explaining to do, right? Alright. I kind of hate Naruto now. Not the series, because Naruto himself just got kind of sexy and no I'm totally not gay. But. The fandom disappointed me for, like, the zillionth time. D: So, I needed something to fill that empty hole like a bad yaoi lemon, and I found that writing DGM fulltime has done very well on that point and I was actually considering never writing for Naruto again. But then I realized that I, like, breathed Naruto fanfiction for _two years_ and it's not going to end like this, because I still love the series. Just, not a good number of the fanfiction anymore.

BUT DO NOT DESPAIR because you guys totally love me and embrace all of my faults with love and appreciation. Right? _Right_?

Right.

So, we're all good because I'm awesome and you're awesome and Jesus is awesome and the WORLD is awesome.

(I love you)


End file.
